The Pinky and Perky fantasy lounge

A short story by Percy from Ham-On-Rye

My TRUFFLES began last HOG-manay, when emotionally, I felt that my life had hit a bit of a TROUGH. There I was, feeling FENCED IN by the thought of all my BASTED years.

So in order to work my way through, what was, a mid-life STY-sis, I thought I would pay a visit to my local OFFAL brothel, The PINKY and PERKY Fantasy Lounge. Finsbury PORK. It’s where all the BABES hang out, and it’s where I hang out when I'm in need of a nice warm HAM job.

She introduced herself as SPAM, and she claimed that she often appeared completely naked in my favourite farmyard sex magazine, Wide Open And CLOVEN. Before I could say, “I’ve always wanted to MEAT you”, she’d already SHANKED me off.

I said: “I like your STILE, but please be GENTILE with me”. She said: “Shut up LEAN BACK, your being HAM fisted”. At first I thought she was RINDING me up, but she wasn't. Talk about getting jiggy with a PIGGY, my nerve endings were FRAZZLES.

We then went at it, the whole HOG, 14 hours on the TROTTER. There was so much friction, I ended up giving her a RASHER.

“Take me to a vet”, she said, “I think my RUNT is in need of some attention, it’s refusing to take solids”. So I took her to a vet, and he said: “A female PIG with PORK SCRATCHINGS is absolutely nothing to worry about because, she’ll soon be a CURED HAM”.

So what if my lover's got a dirty, filthy, CRACKLING habit and the word DANISH tattooed across her buttocks, she’s got great t*ts, and so many of them.

Cum, all over my t*ts, t*ts, t*ts, t*ts, t*ts, t*ts, t*ts, she might have said, if only she could read the sex tips page in SPARE RIB.

But guess what? She’s had enough of working in a LUNCHEON MEAT market. The Madam is starting to behave like a spoilt BRATWURST, and her favourite punter, a Rabbi, is starting to take her for GRUNTED,

So she's off to sing in an ABBA tribute band, ABATTOIR, leaving me PORK PIE myself.

How sad.