Dear Betty

If you've got a difficult emotional problem that's causing you distress and sleepless nights, then please send it in immediately to the Frazzle office so that we can all have a good laugh at your expense.

Q. Dear Betty, when my husband suggested a family I was so happy at the thought of my first baby. However, here I am less than a week out of the maternity shed and I'm already feeling so warn out with a litter of 14 piglets. They're all so noisy and demanding, I'm really struggling to cope. Betty I'm at my wits end and my nipples are so sore, please help me before I do something really stupid.
A. Dear Eunice, You are a pig, so stop behaving like a human being.

Q. Dear Betty, my wife has just bought her first motorcycle. She now spends all her spare time locked in the garage tinkering with it. I try to make myself look appealing by wearing something nice but she never notices. It appears that I just can't compete with such a powerful machine. I'm starting to feel seriously neglected. Betty, what should I do?
A. Dear Eric, your wife is a Hells Angel, keep your distance she could get violent.

Q. Dear Betty, My partner has told me that my breasts are too small. He said that unless I have some implants he will leave me. As I am a pig with 14 breast, enhancement would be extremely painful and expensive. What shall I do?
A. Dear Doreen, You are a pig, so stop behaving like a human being.

Q. Dear Betty, I am so lonely. I've tried to find myself a shed-mate but to no avail. I've tried everything from internet chat lines to hanging around singles bars but every time it ends in frustration. Betty I am so depressed, please help me before I do something really stupid.
A. Dear Reg, You are a pig, so stop behaving like a human being.

Q. Dear Betty, my partner wants me to wear a horse's head in bed. Is there something wrong with him?
A. Dear Name and address withheld, take this clown to a vet immediately.