Dear Veterinary

Have you got an embarrassing itch in an intimate area that's making you feel insecure? Why not let Veterinary Kenny Rasher point a finger at your scab.

Q. I used the farmer's razor to shave my legs and I cut myself. To make matters worse I wasn't wearing a condom. Will I catch AIDS?
A. No.

Q. I may sound paranoid but I think my farmer wants to kill me. He says that he loves me yet I sense things will soon turn ugly. Should I visit a psychiatrist or the police station?
A. Pay a visit to the abattoir they should be able to sort you out.

Q. Just recently I've noticed a very large sebaceous cyst growing between my eyes, should I have it removed before it gets embarrassing?
A. No way stupid, the thing you call a cyst is in fact your snout.

Q. I often like to wear jodhpurs with a high heel shoe or boot, but my friend thinks it looks naff and says that I should get my head tested. What do you think.
A. This is a matter for our fashion correspondent, but off the record, I generally prefer a flat shoe with jodhpurs.

Q. Five years ago I fell in love with a Revlon lipstick called Bezerker. It came in a lovely purple colour and stayed on for days. Unfortunately, it has just been discontinued. I am absolutely distraught, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sleep and I can't eat. What's happening to me?
A. This is a perfectly normal reaction when a loved one moves on. You have what is called 'a toad in your sprocket'. It will pass in two or three years.

Q. It's so strange, once every month my daughter complains of severe tummy pains and sore ankles. What's wrong with her?
A. This is a complete shot in the dark, but your daughter could have something called 'period pains'. Apparently it's got something to do with ovulation. I could be wrong but run with it for a year or two.

Q. My best friend has confessed that she is having an illicit affair with the pig next door and has sworn me to secrecy. I am dying to tell the whole world but I can't and it's starting to make me extremely ill. What shall I do, is there a pill available for such a condition?
A. Tell her husband immediately and watch the sparks fly, that should make you feel better.